Carry Me

I write about my past a lot, I write about my past because it's easier to think about how far I've come than to think about how far I still have to go.

It's easier to look back than to look forward, and it's easier to use my past as an excuse to live in fear.

I've been having a hard time writing anything lately… purely because the only thing that fills my mind lately is fear and anger. 

But who likes to write about their weaknesses. I'd much rather boast on my strength.

But then I realized I've been lying to myself, or at least hiding myself. So here I am, (re)faithful blog readers. Here I am.

I am so blessed to have a dream job. I have a job that gifts me the opportunity to do really cool things and meet really cool people. Everyday I hear people's stories, and I get to help them grow their businesses. I get to meet famous people, and go to really incredible concerts and events. And even on the tough days, I'm surrounded by people who are nice. And niceness is underrated in the world today. 

But the hardest part about this life is that I still go home alone every night, and am reminded of the power of loneliness. 

Now before you say "you've got an amazing family" or "you've got an incredible set of friends"… I'm not minimizing those who surround me and support me. I'm not minimizing those relationships that have been my strength through life. But I once had someone who I would come home to, and regardless of the pain that person caused me both physically and emotionally, someone was there. I had companionship, no matter how sick and twisted it was. Yet now I come home and tell Abbie about my day, and the cool people I got to meet. I tell her about my struggles and I tell her about my fears. And then I get upset, and angry that I am alone. I am angry.

There's this new phase of life I'm walking into, and I don't like it. I'm angry at God. I've never wanted to admit that before, but here I am… admitting all my fears, failures, and weaknesses to you in hopes that it may shake me out of it. I honestly don't know why I'm admitting all of this to you, but I am. 

Here's why I am angry at God.

My ex husband is engaged. 

There, I admitted it. The only man who has ever been willing to commit to me, for more than a night, has swiftly moved on to someone else (less than a year after our divorce), another victim really. And as much as that shouldn't effect me, and as much as I hate admitting it… It makes me angry. He is a monster who caused me so much terror in life. As a result of him I'm still having to rebuild myself emotionally. He broke me down and shattered me. Yet somehow, he coaxed someone else into loving him. 

While here I am alone, crying to my dog.

But worse than being alone, is realizing my inability to be open to someone else emotionally.

That's what hurts more than anything. I get angry at God because I can't seem to break these walls down. 

Then I realize maybe that is the issue... I am incapable of breaking these walls down without Him. And I'm too scared to truly allow Him to make me vulnerable. 

I think He should just do it, I shouldn't have to be willing… it's too hard for me to do that. But He is God, isn't He powerful enough to just do it? That way I don't have to actually DO anything? He should just take control of the brick fortress around my heart and rip it all down, yet my humanness and my weakness seems to have built a brick wall around the brick wall. Convincing myself I'm doing good, I'm making progress, I'm learning to be vulnerable. But then the harsh reality hits… I am incapable of being emotionally available to anyone because I live a life defined by fear. Fear of failure, of pain, of inadequacy.

I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to open myself up to anyone, because I don't want any more emotional pain. The idea of ever feeling the loss of love again terrifies me. The idea of opening myself up to someone, simply to have them shatter me freaks me out. I tried that after the divorce several times, and each time I was met with more and more pain. And I don't want it any more. I get mad at God that I am not healing better than this. I get mad that He hasn't just magically mended my heart and sent some "Prince Charming" my way to prove to me that men aren't all going to break me down. I get mad that I'm having to heal through this alone. I get mad that I'm alone, and the man who caused me such pain is "happily engaged". It's not fair. That's all I keep thinking… It's simply not fair. 

Yet the reality is that God has a plan… I just, at this point, have no idea what that plan is. I don't like feeling angry towards Him because He has kept me alive this long. I feel like an ungrateful child, honestly. But I just want to know when the why behind all this pain will be unveiled. I want to know when everything will start to make sense. I just want to know when it'll be okay for me to open myself up again without having to fear the hurt. I want to know why I was raped 6 years ago, I want to know why I fell into an abusive marriage to a sociopath, I want to know why my ex husband would sexually abuse me, I want to know why I am incapable of being loved. I want to know why when I look at happy couples, it simply reminds me of the severity of my inadequacies.

I just want to know when someone will look at me and love me, not simply because they hope to get something in return.