How am I becoming?
At this point a better question may be how am I not becoming?
God is doing a fantastic job at completely cleansing my life right now. Nearly one year ago, I left my husband. I left my marriage. I left my extremely unstable "stable" life. And since then I have fought with God to regain some stability in my life, yet every time I begin to feel progress the rug is pulled out from under me. At this point I'm accepting that it's okay. That losing everything and building my life from the ground up, literally, may not be a bad thing. Especially if I trust that God is the one in control. He's doing something big in my life, I just don't know what yet. And apparently in preparation for that something, I have to feel a lot of pain.
One year ago I had a wonderfully successful career, one in which I knew where I was going and what I would be doing for the rest of my life. Today I face the reality that I may lose my job at any moment, and am having to search for jobs. I was told by the company I work for that I'm not committed enough, and that I should find jobs within another company. One year ago they were placing me in a large store trusting in me to help turn it around and produce big results. One year ago, I was being handed a huge responsibility… and today they wouldn't even trust me with a full time position.
What's wild in all of that is that I'm completely okay with it. You want to know why? Because I'm in the becoming, and I am not in control. I am merely an empty vessel to be used to glorify God… and I may not know how yet, but I know I WILL. I'm trusting God, and He's already opening doors.
Another aspect of the becoming is relationships. One year ago I left my husband. 3 months ago I walked away from another negative relationship. And while Satan wants me to see my inadequacies in all of this, to think that I wasn't good enough and that my past is far too troubled for a Godly man to ever want to handle… I trust in God, and I listen to His voice and His voice alone. It hurts to lose, and it hurts to feel, but there's power in being stripped down to nothing. Because from nothing He will build something. I'm being stripped of so much, but I feel His peace. To seek God first, and trust in Him alone will lead me through the becoming. The becoming of who He wants me to be, not who I want to be.
I've always said I would give it all away to follow Him, and with every rug being pulled away I wondered if I would ever be able to handle it. But in the past 24 hours I've realized in my heart that He will take care of me. That I am as strong as He makes me, and He won't give me more than I can handle. Something can be said about laying it all down at His feet, and watching it all disappear. Rebuilding life on His solid foundation, knowing that through the becoming His foundation alone will survive.
With nothing, I am blessed beyond measure. I know Christ, and in Him I have boundless riches. My hands may be empty but I've learned gratitude abounding. I've learned to appreciate His hand in my life. I've learned the importance of my family, and their consistency in my life. I've learned to cherish the moments that my mom holds me when I cry. I cherish the moments my niece bounds with joy to spend just a few hours with me. I've learned to appreciate the beauty in God's creation all around me. The beauty in the trees and the sky, the beauty in the birds and the bunnies who run across the trails as I run. I'm learning so many things, which makes it hard to remain sad in the becoming. Because when you have nothing, you appreciate everything. I appreciate the chance to run during sunset and look at the sky as He has painted it. Because in that moment it feels as if He created it just for me. When you have nothing, you appreciate His love. You appreciate His peace. You appreciate Him, and trust in Him. I trust His hand in my life more than I ever have. And that trust isn't for a man, that trust is for me.
You know what else he's rebuilding? One year ago I had a huge house, a house I had invested a lot of money in. A house I invested so much of me in. It was MY house. And that was the issue. I always prided myself in it being MY house, but really it should've been God's. The house was no longer mine as of 3 months ago. 3 months ago I said goodbye to the house I thought I would start a family in. The house I had plans for. 3 months ago I said goodbye to MY house. One year ago I moved in with my parents. I live in a basement. A depressing basement with no windows. It worked at the time, but I felt the push to move on. In order to remain having a healthy relationship with my family, I knew I needed to be on my own. For my relationship with God and myself, I needed to be on my own. So I started searching for my place. 13 apartment tours later, alongside my amazing mother, God opened a door. He introduced me to Joy, who I shared my story with. Joy is a Christian. Joy's daughter has found herself in an abusive marriage. I felt like Joy knew what I was going to say before I even said it. Joy was a gift from God. I barely even saw the apartment, but I felt it. I felt His hand in that place, and I knew it was what he had prepared for me. So I signed the lease. I signed the lease before I really even crunched numbers to see if I could afford it. I trusted God, and I trusted the feeling I had. Because I knew it was undeniably Him. For the first time in my entire life I will live alone. Just me and Abbie. I'm scared to death, yet excited. So many emotions flood through me. The eagerness of alone time with God. To glorify God within and without those walls. To fall in love with God all over again, without distraction. That's what excites me. My fears lie in the loneliness, but with Christ I know I am never alone. He will guide me and hold me when the fears hurt the most. He will heal me, and His hand is all over my life right now. The becoming is only beginning, or maybe its only ending. Either way the becoming is here, and I am becoming a rebuilt child of God.
The beauty of the becoming is something I don't want to miss. Because I want to look back and see the creation He has made in me, and know He built it out of nothing.